holy shit, look at this, this is pure insanity. it's been for ever since i've updated this thing. what have i been doing you ask? well i'll tell you, freaking th fucking out over everything. i'm so stressed it's unreal. that aside i've been downloading and watching a ot of anime, which is good for the soul. i'm averaging about 400-1300 megs a day down loads. thank god for dvd-ram and an endless supply of cd-r's

dude, anime rocks. it's all the better when you don't need to pay for it. I'm been on a binge downloading spree the past couple day, i mean, why not. should put this bandwidth to good use. man i know i need to do school work today. but that sounds really un appetizing. what i really need to do is abuse my body with a little of this and a little of that. that's unlikely to happen though. on an up note, it's nice to take a few cheesy online iq tests from various places and have them say that you're basically not a retard. makes you feel all warm and fuzzy....

I'm going to eat some cereal now, yay

when will it ever end? no matter how hard i work towards something it feels as if it's always receeding. I can't see where any of this is going to take me, and i'm uncertain as to how i'm even going to get there to begin with. i guess i shouldn't question things and simply continue to plod into the future.

the day of yester blew. spent either falling asleep in class in the am, or trying to regain some rest before work. work sucked my soul out as usual, followed by the night class where i "flew" my kite, it could have gone better, but considering that i didn't really give a shit at all, it went well enough. Last night was devoted to writing my final paper for english. all damn night. for like 5 solid hours, i don't even know what the deal was. but here i am.
I'm frail and frazzled from fucking school, not to mention sore from being hit in the neck and back by a tri sectional staff multiple times. aggressor is purifying my soul. soo tired, soo worn

oh my god today is soo boring. it's like 8:30 now, nothing is going on, much like the entire day. get up at 10, get a bowl of ceral and then work on my kite project till 11:15. get on my bike and ride for 10 miles round trip get home at 12:30, take a shower and boom, it's 1:00. for the past seven and a half hours i've been sitting here, either reading about slaughterhouses and their lax enforment of anti crulety laws, or dicking with my computer. i've done a fair amount of school work today, but i feel like haven't done enough. but i always feel like that as long as i know a project is due. i dunno, i just want to drink beer, lots of beer, and cheep. I think,THINK, tonight is $0.25 Pabts night down at the killer. I need like $5 worth...

biking is wicked sweet, i got to finally get some of that in today. though it was severely windy, and at time nearly blew me over, i had fun all the same. I've just spent the last 2 and half some odd hours watching harry potter with my parents, i should be ashamed of that, but oh well. The movie was forgettable, and in fact i mostly have. I'm trying to muster the effort to start one of these school projects that need to be addressed. I'm all out of drugs and money to buy more drugs, so i suppose i should get to work.... if only there was a way to procrastinate longer.... if only i could lament about this, say... online. oh hey, I'm doing it now, I'm so awesome, i never fail to amazing myself

This week is over, basically. I ended up getting registered for classes, my modified kite still flew in 3d design and I haven't done a damn thing for this major ass english paper i need to get done. Damn. Oh well, guess i'll get some lunch, gor to worky and watch this movie tonight. Should be cool... i think.... stay tuned for your up to the moment coverage of my boring ass life.

over and out, and down the drain

all i ever wanted to do was to save you
save you from this world, from ourselves
to keep you pure the way i thought you were
i feel i've already lost, lost you, lost all
i just wanted to try, to make a differance
did you notice, did you care, my hands
my hands were always there to help you
hold you, pick you up when you had fallen
did you notice, did you noticed i loved you
i can't save you, i can't even save myself
how long ago did I stop caring? did i ever
is everything really as bad as it seems?
it's all a dream love, all just a dream

Let's see how this goes... I'm planning on reading some of the stuff out of these books for english tonight... but i just don't know. I have put them off way too much already, but like, I'm just not "feeling it" tonight. I feel like doing more programming actually, and shit... why not you know.. I mean it's still doing class work, it'll need to be done at some point any ways.. so I'm not actually wasting all this time

picking classes... jesus. i don't even knows what i want, you knows? crap

christ, the burrito is in the fridge at mike's. by the time i remember that again it'll long since have spoiled. some how this is nick's fault, for letting me leave with out my left overs. ok for real, seriously, i mean this when i say it (right now), i've got to stop smoking with cowboy Herb. Man, it's just too much you know?

so apparently i have no class tonight either. i just got a call at work from me mum telling me that katie called me to let me know that art 103 is canceled tonight. what luck. the only thing that kinda weirds me out is, how did she get my home phone number?? did i give it to her? has she tapped my phone line? is she watching me right now... oh no! i'm being watched!! ruuuuuuunnnn!

another day, another waste. i've noticed that for the past serveral months i haven't had any ambition to do anything, go anywhere, nothing. I can't see beyond a scope of a couple days ahead or behind at any one time. it feels like i've been stuck in the middle of a week for like... i dunno, 4-5 months. this sucks. i can't remember the little shit, important stuff i can mostly handle, but even that is slipping. i think me and mary j need to spend some time appart, see other people or something. i don't even know what it's like to be me any more. there doesn't seem to be much of "me" left.

-me

work is for jerks, and i guess i'm going to work now

so i almost missed my meeting with Jack this morning. My frickin alram clock got all fucked up lasterday thanks to me trying to money with the daylight savings time BS. But yeah, basically, i'm getting an A in english. I just spent the last 10 mins codeing my CS extra credit project, which means that my second exam will end up being a 110 like the first, hehe. Now i think i'm going to go do.... something, someplace else.

^_^

damn yo, it's late. I think i needs the sleep.

Zzz

ok so daylight savings time sux a nut. maybe even a pair. it's sunday, and i have to go to the fricken school library to get a bunch of them book things. god damn you english 101, messing with my sabbath. in other news i found that the daily vitamines we have here offer 1667% of your daily allowance of B-12, rock on, popped one of those bad boys with my chinese herbs. speaking of herb, maybe that's how a can kill an hour of time here...

peace out

i hate ignorance in others, but more so in myself, i feel no compassion for the weak, yet expect it of others when i am not strong, i give nothing not out of selfishness but lack of anything to offer, love nothing and be loved by nothing, if only i could dream, make my imagination born of deceit reality, what do i want? what do i really want? when did i kill my desires, or were they smothered through countless circumstance. can memory be trusted, did i ever care, what went wrong, where did road fork, disjointed and haphazard thoughts are all that can be formed in this haze, am i hollow, i am void, am i empty, i am void

silence once more,
a dusk still bright,
enough to see,
too much in sight,
the pain of existence a sick malediction.

wander in stride,
with the whores mind,
a faceless wretch,
slain by your pride,
body buried in snow descending from sky.

multifaceted flake,
the ashes of angels,
the dusk still fleeting,
on where you fell,
not even time lives in the forest of night.

created and cast,
into the storm,
your empty god,
feels not remorse
you are not now nor ever were loved

ok ok, alright, so i thought os some more bullshit to put up here, cause i'm freakishly bored right now. so i got some mail yesterday, like a daddy's junky music catalog and a cold steel knife catalog. It made me realize that i don't have near enough money to buy cool shit. like dude, who wouldn't want to drop like $300 on a Chinese War Sword, I mean 1050 high carbon steel, 37 3/4" over all. what a deal. but I don't have $300, in fact, I doubt i have more than say $150 to my name right now. fucking money....

fuckers

Man, some times it's a real pain getting a hold of people. you have to like chase them around on various phones only to get bounced into voice mail and other such things. Home work is getting me down. and that's pretty much where I'm at. The snow is back, mocking me. The snow got all up in my face and was like, "buddy, I'm not going any where."

All I want to do is nothing I should be doing. _\|/_